How to Handle Confrontations Ethically

The topic last week was about making the right associations.  We saw how if left unchecked, "bad company corrupts good ethics".  In describing what we should do when we are in a setting whether it is a conversation with a group in the office, with friends in a social setting, or even around relatives or neighbors, when you know it is time that you should excuse yourself, I said you should always avoid group confrontations.  This week, we want to dig deeper into this topic of confrontations, but this week, we are going to put the 'shoe on the other foot', so to speak, and explore how we should handle those times when "we" are confronted by others, publicly or privately.

The definition of confrontation is to come face-to-face with; stand in front of; an open conflict of opposing ideas.  It was derived from two Latin words, "com" which means together and "frons" which refers to the forehead, so in other words, when you hear that confrontations are best described as two people "butting heads", and that's a pretty accurate description.

Unfortunately in today's society where people have no "absolute truth" to guide them, no "moral compass" to direct them, some of the advice today on handling confrontations only leads to more confrontation.  You've heard some of these, I'm sure.

"I don't get mad; I get even."

"Your freedom ends, where my nose begins."

"Stand your ground."  (That's not really working out to well for Florida right now, is it?)

"The natural human instinct is to defend one's self."

"If all else fails, the nose is a good place to hit first which can temporarily blind them with tears."

Have you ever noticed what it does to you physically when you are confronted?  You start to shake; you lose control of your voice; it becomes quivery, and the words don't flow properly from your lips; your thoughts become disjointed.  What causes that?  These are signs of confrontation jitters.  Everyone experiences them to one degree or another. This is the 'flight or fight' syndrome kicking in and it pumps adrenaline throughout your body in readiness to fight or run.  It is your bodies' mechanism for getting prepared to do one or the other.

When you are in that state, for most people your maturity, common sense and restraint usually kick in, and you are determined not to allow someone to take the keys of your self-control, your emotions, your feelings.  You work hard not to get defensive and yell back at them.  You take deep breaths and tell yourself over and over that you are not going to let this person control me.  The angrier the other person gets, the more reserved and calm you become.  When the confronter realizes they cannot break you, or get under your skin, or achieve their desired reaction, they will usually give up.  You win.  You are the much stronger person because of how you did not react.

Why then, do you feel rotten on the inside, when you were able to manage a controlled reaction like that?  You lie awake at night, replaying the confrontation in your mind over and over.  You won, but you really feel like you lost.  You start thinking that the flight syndrome kicked in and was the reason you handled it the calm way that you did.  This can sometimes lead some to have the exact opposite reaction the next time it happens.  The 'fight' syndrome takes over, and you decide you are not going to take it anymore, and you "butt heads" with your adversary.  Most times it never results in physical blows, but it is a fight nevertheless.  You feel proud that you stood your ground.  You went toe-to-toe with them.  You feel you won the argument.  Guess what?  Most of the time your reaction after things simmer down will be the same as it would be if you had calmly, peacefully resolved it.  You will still think about it, for days or even years.  You replay it over and over in your mind.  The reality starts sinking in.  You didn't win.  You lost.  You lost a friend, a relationship, a job.

Without a solid foundation, a source of truth that gives you principles for handling these confrontations ethically, your reaction may be more like the latter than the former, or a combination of both.  Sometimes controlled; sometimes out of control.

 

Let's look briefly at some verses from Proverbs our source book for Business Ethics on how to handle confrontations ethically.

Proverbs 15:1, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

Proverbs 16:32, "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city."

Proverbs 17:14, "The beginning of strife is like releasing water; therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts."

Proverbs 20:3, "It is honorable for a man to stop striving, since any fool can start a quarrel."

First of all, when confronted, answer softly or gently.  I like how Jesus handled confrontations.  When the religious leaders asked him questions in an aggressive, confrontational manner, do you know how He answered them?  He didn't argue with them, or rebuke them.  He answered their questions with a question, in a patient, loving, calm manner.  When you answer calmly and gently, it diffuses anger.  Harsh words have the opposite effect

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Secondly, when confronted, answer with total self-control.  Do not answer with anger.  Do not blow your top.  Do not lose your temper.  Nothing is gained with that type of reaction.  When you learn to control your anger in confrontations, Proverbs 16:32 says you are better than a warrior that can take a city.

Lastly, even though you are being verbally confronted, you can stop it, by "dropping the matter".  Stop it while the verbal assault is more like a trickling stream of water.  When you wait, or argue back, that trickle can become a raging river.  Stopping an argument, a confrontation, before it gains a foothold, is a mark of honor.  It is the mark of a person of integrity, a person who lives his life ethically.

Footnote:  I would like to thank everyone who reads this blog.  The audience continues to grow each week.  Every week there are more readers than the previous week.  It is reaching people not just locally, but also in other states and in other countries.  Beyond the friends and family living in other states who read it regularly, there are also people from Texas, South Dakota, Russia, Germany, France, Latvia, Tunisia and India who have discovered it.  My prayer is that it is helping people live more ethical lives.  I would invite you to leave comments, 'like it' on Facebook, sign up to receive it via email and/or repost it within your social media circles.  Leaving a brief comment, may help someone out there who is reading and has questions, but is reluctant to comment since right now, very few do.  Thanks for helping me spread the word.