The Ethics of Listening

I have conducted a number of Sales and Customer Service training classes over the years.  I always spend one or more sessions on the topic "The Art of Listening."  I feel strongly about the importance of listening, if one is to excel in sales and customer service, it is imperative that they learn how to listen.  People want to be heard.  They want to know they are being listened too.

Have you ever thought that listening is a matter of ethics?  Ethics is defined as "principles of conduct; a set of moral principles governing an individual or a group."  Having the appropriate conduct by actively listening makes it an ethical matter.

Let's consider these verses from Proverbs on the subject.

Proverbs 18:13, "He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him."

Proverbs 18:2, "A fool has no delight in understanding, but in expressing his own heart."

How you ever been guilty of not hearing what the other person is saying, because you are too busy working on your answer.  When we do that, we are telling the other person, "what you are saying is not as important as what I have to say is."  Ouch!  That sounds pretty self-centered and arrogant, doesn't it?

Let's consider it first in the arena of public speaking.  I have done my share of public speaking, and have observed the listening behavior by people in the audience.  I've seen it range from some in the audience being absorbed, engrossed and engaged in what I was saying by actively listening to being, (to put it mildly), just plain rude by their demonstrative actions of not listening, whether talking while I'm speaking, checking their phone, playing with their hair, looking around or being so disinterested, they sleep.  Let me offer this disclaimer about sleeping while someone speaks.  Sometimes people sleep due to health, personal or family reasons or issues.  I'm not talking about that type of sleeper.  I'm talking about the one who you see scrunching down in their seat, crossing their arms, tilting their head and sleeping.  They deliberately fall to sleep.  Have you ever thought that people who deliberately do not listen to the person speaking as being a form of unethical behavior?

Since the majority of you probably have never spoken to a group publicly, what about one-on-one conversations, or with two or three, or around a conference table, or in a small room setting?  Isn't it the appropriate ethical thing for the person to listen to what you are saying?  Of course it is.

Let's reverse roles now.  When you sit in a group where someone is speaking, how ethically do you listen?  What about when your spouse, your children, your boss, a co-worker or a group of co-workers speak, do you really listen?

Gil Stern, a college professor, regularly gives this listening question on his exams with new students.  He describes a situation in which a speaker is talking about some controversial subject and how most of the class is listening attentively and a couple of audience members even change their position on the topic, due to the speech.  He also says that two members of the audience are so put off by the speech; they pass notes back and forth, the entire time of the speech.

He then ask the students, via multiple choice, which answer is correct when it comes to ethical listening. 

1. There are no ethical responsibilities of the listeners.
2. Only those who were persuaded to the speaker's side acted ethically.
3. The two students who passed notes back and forth acted unethically.
4. Since the two students who passed notes back and forth did not talk during the speech, they   were not engaged in unethical listening practices.

He said that usually about half of the class gets it wrong.  The correct answer he was looking for was number three, the choice that says the students engaged in note passing acted unethically. Ethical listening includes being courteous and attentive. You do not have to agree with what the speaker is saying, but you should not tune out. If you listen and follow the arguments, you may find that you change your position. You may also find that your original position becomes strengthened. In either event, a speaker has put time and effort into a speech and deserves to have the entire audience paying attention. (Yahoo Voices 6/11/07)

Now let's put that same scenario on a personal level in our normal daily conversation.  

1. To say there is no ethical responsibility, whether you listen or not, is wrong.   Look again at Proverbs 18:13. 
2. When you turn people off like turning off the radio, because you disagree with them, is also wrong.  Let them speak and be courteous by  listening.  You may still disagree with them, when they are finished, but while they are speaking, give them your attention.
3. To tune out the person speaking to you, so you can formulate an answer is also wrong.  Read Proverbs 18:2, again.

How can we become better listeners whether with an audience or with one person?

1. Be receptive by keeping an open mind.
2. Be non-judgmental because judgment will limit our listening.
3. Be observant. People “speak” in ways other than words. Body language and demeanor can be very revealing.
4. Search for meaning beyond words and ask ourselves the question “What is the speaker really saying?”
5. Have empathy and try to understand the background, the life conditions and possible motivation of the speaker.

In closing, I would like for us to consider another verse from Proverbs that really shows what can happen, when we fail to listen.  Have you ever been around someone in a group setting who start saying something, telling a story, etc., but they trail off and never finish what they were saying?  Why did they do that?  They could tell no one was listening.  Has that happened to you?  How did that make you feel?  Not practicing ethical listening, can have far reaching consequences.

Proverbs 18:19, "A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle."

Listening is a strategic part of communication.  Without it, we can offend and damage relationships.